Scared Shitless

Some people talk about how exhilarating living life to the fullest and taking chances, pushing themselves is. Some people are not me. I used to think I wanted to be an exciting person. Be fast, impulsive, spontaneous. But reality is, those things kind of scare the shit out of me. Call me chicken, I don’t care. I am starting an online accounting AAS program next week. Online. Never have to leave my home. Scared shitless. Beyond the obvious that I always sucked at math, I cannot afford to take college courses at this stage in my life and not do well. Which means I am going to have to acquire some kind of freaky Jedi mind powers in the next week if I am going to harness any sort of math powers. I am scared I will be the permanently cranky mom who is trying sooo hard to wrap her mind around some elusive math problem that I will entertain the idea of locking the children in our dark dungy basement just so I can get 10 minutes of quiet to focus. I am scared that by taking accounting, my life will begin to revolve around money, which I have always hated and I am crapping nuggets that I will fail and it will be something else in my life that I started and didn’t finish. I like my comfortable spot. Do you know what I am good at? I am good at being mama. I like that part. I like being a wife. So why life has to provide that uncomfortable pinch that you start thinking things like “maybe it would be a good thing to go back to school” or “it would better my family for me to have this knowledge”……I don’t know. I see how ridiculous it is….I am not trying to become a trapeze artist or a stripper in Vegas–or Williston, which would make more sense geographically for me. It’s an accounting program. I think a lot of it is all the freaking hoop jumping one has to do. I have transcripts from 4 different colleges, which sounds bad but since I had post-secondary classes while in high school, attended college in Crookston before I decided it was a hole, came back home and started at the tech, decided I should go for my BA at the 4 year, nearly flunked out at the 4 year because I was trying to juggle 2 jobs, full time school and a baby by myself, and then went back to the tech and got an AAS. It was just life. And I was shitting my pants then, too. Does anyone else feel like life is just one bumbling experience after another? So here it is, 10 years later and I am back in the same boat, only with 5 children and an old man, still crapping my pants, and trying to conquer the one thing that I only managed to get D’s in in high school. Ah well. I would love to meet one of those ‘life coaches’ and tell them to go jump off a cliff. There is nothing meticulously planned in this life! It’s only shitting ones’ pants and discovering life is just one series of crapping your pants after another.

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